Sunday, 14 August 2016

You plan on going to a Nigerian beer parlor (pub)? Here are 9 caliber of people you sure will meet

We all have found ourselves or have been to a beer parlor (pub) in Nigeria for many reasons which may range from phone charging, free match viewing, to efface boredom or to find people to talk to or even to have few bottles of beer or other beverages in order to chill off the day's stress.

Whatever the reasons may tend to be, we meet a lot of people with different calibers that either make our day, piss us off or get us irritated or even scared.

Below are some of the caliber of people I've compiled and you sure would meet in a Nigerian pub.


This guy or these guys as the case may be, are drunk 'on code', i.e they are on the first stage of drunkenness. You can see them on one side of the pub smiling, nodding their heads to the tune of the music or even paying really weird attention to the TV, the fan or any object in the pub. They might have had a few bottles and the alcoholic effect is gradually setting in on them. They are just a thin line away from being 'really drunk'.


     This guy or these guys as the case may be just crossed the line. In some cases, they are known for always getting really drunk. They crack everyone at the pub up. They do extremely funny things, say extremely funny things and sometimes dance in an extremely funny way. They sure will crack you up. Some people will even volunteer to buy them drinks just so they can make them laugh.
     In fact, when people see him sober, they worry for him like they ask if everything is alright. Like people now assume his normal state to be 'drunk' and his drunk state to be 'normal'.


This guy's breath is so bad that when ever he talks, you'd be tempted to ask, 'who farted'. His breath is so bad it can make you sweat. His breath is so bad it can make you cry, in fact in some cases, the bad breath contains pepper. Watch out for these guys.

SAFETY PRECAUTION: Go to a pub with both lab goggle and nose mask. And yes, its that bad. LOL


This guy sees you as a potential prey, like a fresh blood. Once he sees you coming in, he smiles in his heart and says, 'finally I've seen who would listen to my stories'. Because you're new in the pub and you don't know about this 'story kind of personality', you'd be calm to listen to him. He'll suddenly start telling you about his day, his family, the connection between a program showing on TV at that time with his life. Like...

                      ...who asked you again? Sorry, I cant remember.


This guy automatically makes himself the class captain. He interprets every move on football and explains everything said in a movie. Like, he interprets every single thing they say in English to your local vernacular. In fact he sees himself as 'the village headmaster'; he alone understands English. Like seriously dude, it av do abeg. 


This guy is literally the 'gas cooker' of the pub. He gets offended at every little thing you say to him, try to say to him, or even everything you think about him. In some cases, he picks up a fight. While in others, he doesn't. He gets beaten up  sometimes or perhaps beats people up. Everybody hates him and they try to avoid him or try to be troublesome around him just to find a reason to beat him up. WATCH OUT FOR THEM TOO.


You make one wrong move of sitting next to him, you regret it for the rest of the week. His odour is so bad it won't leave your nostrils for the rest of the week. Na me tell you, trust me. Don't make that mistake. His odour will make you start wondering why the owner of the pub hasn't barred him yet.


This kind of guy owes money so much that when ever he wants to have a drink at that pub, he makes a part payment for the debt he's being owing for 8months in a row.
You constantly hear him arguing with the pub owner or you hear him begging the pub owner for a bottle of drink and suggests that it should be added to his previous 8month in a row debt.

He can even get to the point of begging you to foot his current bill or you might be tempted to, just so they could stop their annoying argument.

9.   THE GANG: 

If you're going to a Nigerian pub, you definitely would meet them. They are a group, they are loud and they appear rich because they will order for a lot of things at a time.
They really might not be a gang but that's just the only thing your mind would keep telling. LOL...
Watch out for them too.

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